"Dream Home"

Never had a fear of water.....until I found myself submerged by wind and waves.  Mom came to my aid; told me to "STOP FIGHTING!"  Stop fighting the currents.  Stop fighting to surface.  Wanted me to let go of trying to control the situation.  I did as she said.....and rose to the top.  Was hit by another wave...but instead of taking me under, its force carried me to the safety of shore. 

This is exactly how my experiences leading towards the Property Brothers have been thus far....like "tidal forces" pushing and pulling at me.  I was not aware at first, for many reasons......subtleties, self-absorption.  The day I decided to leave the Property Brothers though......well, that's when everything changed.

Hollywood Reporter
I was giving it one last shot, finding and seeing the Property Brothers - At Home show.......otherwise I was walking away from these men forever.  Was already anticipating a bust........which is why I had Hope For Paws poised in the search box ready to go.  Only thing to pop up was a Google Talk interview........and I don't do "celebrity propaganda" bits unless I personally know the entertainers.  Seemed as if my time with the Scotts was up. 

Well, I was expecting Hope For Paws when I hit enter.......but nothing happened.  Nothing changed.  The Google Talk interview remained exactly as is.  Tried searching for something else......but nada.  Refreshing the page did nothing.  Attempting to leave YouTube yielded no results.  Opening another YouTube page had the same effect.  Nothing worked.....so I moved on to other websites.  I'd worry about YouTube tomorrow.

Tomorrow came......and nothing changed.  YouTube was still stuck on this Google Talk interview; couldn't even close the page.  Figured it would be another day of surfing the web......except I couldn't access any sites.  Every page I opened, every search I did took me to YouTube.....specifically this Talk.  Not a problem though.  Had other things to do on the computer.  Was certain the "glitch" would resolve itself by next day. 

Next day, got a double whammy.  Not only was the Internet frozen on this Google Talk YouTube page, but there were no icons on the computer screen.  Couldn't open any programs via backdoor methods.  The computer wouldn't even respond to normal "shut down" commands.  ALT-CTRL-DEL would not work.  Eventually was forced to reboot the system by "turning off the power".  That should have done the trick.......except now there was absolutely nothing but the Google Talk interview.

I have a pretty hard head........so it takes alot to convince me of things.  In no way did I entertain the idea something "otherworldly" was happening here.  Assumed it was MY computer........so went off to use the ones at Staples.  Their system worked great......for about a minute.  Then everything went kablooey.  Same thing happened to their computers.....ALL their computers!  Supposedly righted themselves the moment I exited the building.  Neighbours, friends, family.......didn't matter where I went, their screens all froze on this Google Talk.  Hadn't even typed anything remotely Property Brothers into the search parameters.

Amazon
Okay.  Someone wanted me to see this interview; that much was clear.  Had no other ideas as to how to regain control of my computer.....so I took the bait.  I followed the breadcrumbs to see where they'd lead.  Video was only an hour long......and that would have been fine had it been only the one program.  Instead, I was subjected to three personal appearances and two radio interviews before my computer began functioning properly.  All pertained to a book called "Dream Home".     
  
Spirits don't care about material things......which is why I know this was not some elaborate ruse to get me to purchase their book.  Recall thinking, "I'll buy their book when they read something I wrote.".  Oh how those words would come back to haunt me when mere weeks later I'd be tasked with writing this blog.  To date, I have not read any of their books.  Not spending my hard earned cash to make them richer.       

Always believed I found Property Brothers by "chance".  Guess the amount of work I put into locating readable copies of Property Brothers - At Home should have tipped me off.  Watching them was only supposed to be a way to ease my mind of sorrowful woes, not morph into something requiring so much investment.

I had some awareness about "being led"........but never connected any of it to my grandfather or Mother.  As soon as Jonathan said his middle name was "Silver", felt as if I got punched real hard in the stomach.  Hadn't noticed he and my mom share the initials "JSS"......perhaps because I thought "Silver" was simply a nod to him being a middle child.  Mentioned wanting to be a "flower man"......and suddenly my mind flashed to a moment where I found myself on the ground, my grandpa by my side.  Had just stepped into my uncle's greenhouse to join him when I passed out.  Oh how Grandpa loved the scent of flowers.   

Had I not been so freaked about Jonathan's strange connection to these two, might have questioned his "smelly nose" thing.  See......I have a weird "smell" thing too.  Where his is flowers.....mine is men.  I can smell pheromones.....and emotions.  It's because emotions are impulses.....each with their own distinctive biochemical composition.  Alterations to mood affect organs, which in turn changes their scent.  Likely why I only dated tall men......can better anticipate their emotional needs being so close to their torso......and perhaps because of their armpits.  Gonna' leave people guessing on the latter. 

My Secret Garden
Got a few laughs in......at Jonathan's expense.  When he talked about wanting to be a "flower man", the cover of Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" instantly sprang to mind.  Could not stop howling at the thought of these women emptying every floral shop within a five mile radius just to smell like "roses" for Jonathan Scott.  Didn't they get the memo that his guilty pleasure is sushi?  Could have saved themselves a bundle on doctor's bills.  Wonder if those gynecologists got together and sent him flowers as a thank you for the additional business?  Piss myself laughing every time I think about it.         

Took note of the "Sailing With The Scotts" trip.  Didn't know it wasn't an annual event.  Not sure I would have been THAT interested had my brother not been pushing so hard for this themed cruise.....where I'd have to eat alone.  Who in the hell wants to go on a vacation like that?  At least on the Property Brothers' ship, someone was likely to talk to me.  Kept it in the back of my mind.......just in case I couldn't talk him out of it.

Ever seen Drew and Jonathan in their "incognito - Andy Capp" hats?  Definitely look like twins.  Eyes look oddly Eurasian.......or so I thought when I saw them on the Elvis Duran show.  Funny thing is........I'd seen their eyes before, in a boy I knew from childhood.  He wasn't Irish.....but never gave more thought to his ancestry until now.  Seems the first boy to kiss me not only was a Jonathan......he was Scottish too.  Why was it necessary for me to know this?     

Don't know why it was necessary for me to know alot of things.......like Jonathan and Drew's lines being so well-rehearsed, I could have layered those interviews a top one another without anyone having been the wiser.  Did it have to do with seeing them as true performers?  Keep thinking about my "public" face......how it took years to hone and perfect; how very different this mask is from my true self.  Haven't worn it in years.  Am I to don it again soon?     

Knew these guys were likely a big phenomena for the simple fact their shows appear in 150 countries, but never had opportunity to witness the frenzy over them.  Found it to be.....disturbing, mainly because they actively encouraged women to objectify them; especially Jonathan.  Most women don't have a choice as to whether or not they are objectified.  There are some exceptions......like the women Jonathan dated......and me, at times.  I said no to stripping, becoming a porn star, opening a "Cat House".  My overtly large boobs made me ineligible for modelling....which may have been a blessing in disguise.

Given I was just as materialistic as any 20-something, I have no doubt I would have used my sex appeal to ensure "financial security".......likely resented the fella I dubbed for having been so gullible and naive as to have fallen for my charms; definitely turned off my emotions to keep from feeling how dirty, dark, and ugly I was inside.  Kinda' admire women like Tyra Banks and Madonna for throwing the "rule book" out the window and turning the "exploitative" industry upside-down by dictating their own terms.  Not all of us are strong and brave enough to not compromise.  

Worth and value cannot be measured by wealth and power.~s  

There are times I get very angry at this Jonathan Scott.......which seems absurd given he's little more than a two-dimensional image on my computer screen.  I see alot of me in him.  I can laugh all I want about him being blind to the fact these 20 year-something women in "exploitative" businesses looking for a "sugar daddy" are substitutes for his ex-wife.  Would even wager $1,000,000 their ages more or less coincide with hers at the time the couple first began experiencing problems, were happiest, met, or married.  Can't judge him though.  I too dated substitutes for my first love.....Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde types to some degree.....looking for answers as to what I did wrong to have caused the best person I knew to turn into this.

I won't be with another dark man.  Jonathan's future wife is not some tall blond like his mom.....nor is she more than five years older or younger than him.  If our relationships with our first loves were the "right formulas", things would have worked out with them.......no need for substitutions.  Hardest thing is breaking the cycles.  I tried "saving" all my boyfriends, not realizing I was staying simply to punish myself......because I didn't believe I deserved better.  Jonathan is a Scotsman, so being his woman's hero is key to his happiness.  Because they mate for life, loss of this love is excruciatingly painful to a Scottish man.  He's not looking to be those young ladies' hero though; he's looking to punish himself for failing to adequately provide financially for his wife.......because this is what he believes was the problem.  It's what drives his need for more financial acquisitions......and why he turns a blind eye to women using him for money. 
Property Brothers at Home on the Ranch
If I were ever to meet Jonathan Scott, I would put a dollar bill in his wallet.  Want it to remind him he doesn't always have to settle with the five-and-dime barbies looking to take what's inside it.  Don't think any woman has made the gesture of filling his pockets since he became a Property Brother.  There is one rare collectable woman who'll see he is more......will show him he, his life, family, business, future, and legacy are all worth the investment.  Don't want the guy to lose faith while he waits.

I am looking for love too.......and I have so much to give.  There are no price tags or conditions I am asking.  Sometimes I lose hope because it's been decades since anyone wanted what I have to offer......but I'm keeping my fingers crossed, good things are on the horizon.        

Comments

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